Do Over
by ashlice
Summary: "She's smiling again but this time it's not touching her eyes so he knows it's a brave face. But she's Brooke and she's loyal first and foremost and this is her final act for him and for Peyton more than anyone. She isn't trying to play the hero, she already is the hero. He thinks that he actually feels his heart break for her and he's not sure where to go from here." Season 4 BL
1. Tired

**A/N - Hello again! I am here with a multi-chapter fic for you. I have such a soft spot for Brooke and Lucas in my heart, and for Brooke, especially during season four. This is rewriting things a little bit. My heart breaks for Brooke in season four when the Ravens win the championship game and she tells Lucas to go after Peyton. This is fanfiction, so I get to rewrite the moments I don't like. Fair warning however, I have not rewritten it the way a typical fan would. It's just that his "epiphany" never made sense to me since he'd already said that it was Brooke he wanted to be standing beside him when his dreams came true.**

He remembers the first time he strung the words _I love you _and the name Brooke Davis in the same thought. He'd come in to find her on her hands and knees, attempting to mop the kitchen floor with a sponge. It was so comical and so endearing and so absolutely _Brooke _that it took everything he had not to say how he felt right then and there.

The significance of that moment had never been lost on him though. He knew what she meant to him after that, and he also knew that no matter how things turned out she would always mean something. It was scary and exciting, it left him euphoric and winded. It was a feeling unlike nothing he'd ever experienced before.

Until now.

Here she was in his arms, so much confetti falling around them that he could barely see. They had won the state championships and everything about this moment was scary and exciting. Everything about this moment left him euphoric and winded. And here she was, grinning up at him, eyes dancing with delight. Something in her expression shifts as they pull apart.

"This is amazing." He can't help himself. He's so glad she is the first person there. He's about to say this to her but she speaks up first.

"This is a dream come true. So, who do you want standing next to you?" He's confused at first, but only for a split second. Her words certainly ring a bell. It was only a few weeks ago that someone else had asked him that same question.

"_Imagine a future moment in your life where all your dreams come true. You know, it's the greatest moment of your life and you get to experience it with one person. Who's standing next to you?" Peyton asks him. _

He knows what she's getting at when her eyes dart over to a few feet away. He follows her gaze to see Peyton, her palms full of confetti, eyes shining bright with happiness. She's laughing as she grabs at more confetti. He turns back to look at Brooke who's smiling up at him.

"Go. _Go. _It's okay. Go." She's pushing his arm lightly in Peyton's direction but he's not moving. Her smile is genuine. She's being his friend. He still can't move. Her smile falters, the corners of her mouth turn down slightly.

"Brooke—" He's not exactly sure what to say so he stops there and an uncomfortable moment encompasses them both in this sea of happiness that no longer feels so happy but sort of like they are drowning in it.

"Luke, it's _hard. _I can't lie. So you can know that I'm not lying when I say that it's okay. It's okay to love her. Things change sometimes and that's _okay._" She's smiling again but this time it's not touching her eyes so he knows it's a brave face. But she's Brooke and she's loyal first and foremost and this is her final act for him and for Peyton more than anyone. She isn't trying to play the hero, she already is the hero. He thinks that he actually feels his heart break for her and he's not sure where to go from here.

He glances at Peyton, who's currently tossing confetti in the air. She's laughing as she looks around her. Their eyes lock for a moment and he waits for it. He waits for the feeling he needs to come if he's going to walk over to her. He waits for the same feeling he'd had that night as he watched Brooke slip and slide all over his kitchen floor trying to do chores for the first time in her life.

He turns back to Brooke to see that she'd been watching him carefully the entire time he'd been looking at Peyton. She's got one hand on his arm while the other lightly fidgets with the hem of her skirt. She bites down on her bottom lip nervously, her eyes shining with tears.

"You can't help who you love." She says before letting go of his arm and walking away.

"_You can't help who you love."_

He feels the words on his lips, remembers exactly how he'd felt as he'd said them that night. Suddenly, all the energy that came with this victory is gone and he finds himself exhausted. He doesn't want to be here anymore. He watches her retreating back. She slips out of the gym without anyone noticing. He can hear people calling his name, feels the pats on his back but it all goes right over his head. This was the party of the year and she had left.

Brooke Davis _never _misses a party.

* * *

Peyton Sawyer and Brooke Davis had once been the very definition of best friends. With a loyalty that was so ferocious and so absolutely sincere, they'd never dreamed anyone would stand a chance in ruining them. But along came a boy who strung together pretty words and doled out even prettier kisses and they were both lost and helpless and suddenly friendship didn't seem to matter as much as it once did.

It had hurt so much the first time around. It had hurt Peyton to lose all her self-respect. It had hurt her to know that she'd fallen so low, to the point where she would hurt the person who loved her most just to get what she wanted. It had hurt Lucas to realize he'd become the very type of boy that he'd hated growing up. But it hadn't hurt anyone like it had hurt Brooke.

He wonders if she thinks it was all worth it; if the pretty words and the forehead kisses and the declarations of love in the rain that set her heart on fire and left her completely breathless were worth it. It all hurts so badly. But the pain is dulling because he is so tired. He is so tired of having this choice thrown in his face.

He has to drive around quite a bit to find her, and is a little surprised when he finally catches sight of her. She is at the last place he expected to find her. She looks up when his car pulls up, looking only slightly startled by his appearance.

"Crazy girl, I've been driving around trying to find you and you were here on my front steps the whole time?" He says before slamming his car door shut.

She doesn't say anything. She's sitting on the steps, arms wrapped around her legs with her chin resting on the tops of her knees. He tries to see if she'd been crying but it's too dark and she's not looking directly at him. There's a calming aura about her. She is very still, but she looks at ease. She looks at him sideways as he sits down beside her on the steps.

He glances behind his shoulder at his black front door, and then turns back to her. "I've been meaning to repaint that. It looked better red." He says. He doesn't know what to expect after he says this but he certainly did not expect her to smile, which she does.

"You don't have to do that." She says quietly. "You also didn't have to go looking for me."

"Seems like you wanted me to find you. You're sitting outside my room, Brooke." He points out nudging her softly with his shoulder.

"We just won the state championship. And here I sit, Student Council President and Head Cheerleader, as far away from the celebrations as possible. If you'd asked me if I'd pass all that up two years ago I would have stared at you like you had three heads. But here I am. And if you'd asked me if a boy would ever come between me and Peyton I would have laughed and walked away but here we sit, because a boy has come between me and Peyton." She pauses and goes back to staring at her shoes for a moment.

He doesn't feel like she's done yet, and rightfully so because a second later she picks up again. "And if you'd asked me if I'd ever give up on loving somebody I'd say it was your most ridiculous question yet. I could never do that. But things change. Sometimes they change because we make them change and sometimes they change because they have to."

He's watching her carefully, not wanting to miss any change in expression, any little flash of emotion in her eyes or twitch of her mouth. He's hanging on her every word, and with each passing sentence he feels more and more out of breath. She's the one doing all the talking and he's the one who can't seem to get enough air in his lungs.

* * *

He remembers the exact moment that he'd realized he'd messed up monumentally with Brooke. He'd stayed behind late after practice had ended one day. He hadn't been itching to go home and hadn't really done his best that day. Whitey had ordered an extra hour of shooting practice before he'd get to go home. The school was practically a ghost town at this point. He'd never seen it so empty.

Naturally, he'd been surprised to find out he wasn't alone. He hears her before he actually sees her but knows right away that it can't be anyone else. Sure enough, he rounds a corner to find her standing in front of her locker, one hand placed lightly over her mouth, the other holding a piece of paper. She's crying, but not loudly. If it had been normal school hours, he probably would not have heard her. But it's silent except for her whimpering and so he can't help but walk right up to her even though he's not sure what he's going to say.

She doesn't even look at him before slamming her locker door shut and walking away. It was the end of junior year and she and Peyton had just made up, but had decided that he would not be touched by their new forgiving attitude.

"Brooke!" He yells after her, but she's reached the front doors and is gone. He catches sight of something fluttering a few feet away from him and realizes that she'd dropped the piece of paper she'd been holding. He bends over to pick it up and recognizes his own handwriting immediately.

_Brooke,_

_Saw you walking to practice today. You looked unbelievably beautiful but I was late and couldn't stop to talk. But I had to tell you that you made me smile today so I hope this note makes you smile._

_-Lucas_

* * *

"How did it all get so messed up?" Her question brings him back to the present. It's a question so piercing in that it demands so much from its answer. There's a fervent _I messed up _that is trying to push past his lips but it remains silent and tucked behind his teeth. And behind the _I messed up _is an _I am so sorry _and even further back in this line of pushed back words is the ever present _I love you._

Both their phones had been ringing like crazy. He had four missed calls from Nathan, six from Haley, two from Skills, three from Mouth, and even one from Peyton. He'd cringed slightly at the thought of answering that last call. It all just made him so tired.

He tries to answer her question but can't open his mouth for fear of releasing the _I messed up _and the _I am so sorry _and certainly for fear of releasing the _I love you _and not hearing it back. His head hurts and his entire body feels stiff. He's never felt this way before and he's not sure what to make of it. All he knows is that one of the greatest people he's ever known is sitting beside him missing what could have been the most fun night of her life and he could not completely understand why. This person who was the epitome of what it meant to be alive and brilliant, this person who was resilient and bounced back from everything thrown in her path could not seem to bounce back this time.

"I didn't go over there Brooke. I went looking for you." He says, voice barely above a whisper because he doesn't trust it to hold in what it had been trying to say before along with the brand new _I chose you _and _I'm trying _that were now struggling to break free_._

A whimper, not unlike the one he'd heard come out of her last year, as she'd read his old note, escapes her. She sounds utterly wounded and it is physically hurting him. His throat is dry and his chest feels so hot from the inside that it feels like something is burning him. He wants to make whatever pain she is feeling go away.

"Do you really think I belong with Peyton?" He asks after she doesn't say anything.

Her expression immediately changes from frustrated and hurt to absolutely furious. She looks as if she wants to hit him but instead she just holds his gaze, silently daring him to say a word. He feels an immense regret over his question. But just as he tries to work up the nerve to apologize, her expression softens. She purses her lips for a second and blinks slowly, as if trying to work through something.

"I—I think you do. I think that I'm trying to give you a chance to figure that out."

"Why?"

"Because it's the right thing to do, Lucas! And because no matter how much it hurts me, I love you both. I love you both enough to step aside and let fate run its course." She's still looking him right in his eyes, and for a moment he swears he must be looking in a mirror because she looks as tired as he feels. "I give up, okay? It's not me. It hurts too much to pretend that it is, and it's exhausting to feel like this everyday."

"But I'm here."

"So?"

"It is you." He says, speaking louder now. He is no longer worried about the _I chose you _and the _I'm trying. _He's not worried about the _I am so sorry _and the _I messed up, _and least of all he is not worried about the _I love you _because they are all parts of one big truth.

She shakes her head and throws her palms up in the air. "Luke—"

"You asked who I wanted standing next to me. You were there Brooke, when my dream came true. You left and I followed. It's you." He insists.

She stands up, arms wrapped tightly around her torso. She's shaking her head in disbelief and he knows that she's not humoring him or herself. She genuinely does not believe him and he sees it in the way her eyes cloud over when she looks at him and in the way she doesn't bother to stop her tears from falling and he sees it in the way she is slightly slouched, in the utter exhaustion in her posture and in her eyes.

She really is tired. And not in the way that people are tired after a work out, or tired after not getting enough sleep. She's not even tired in the way people get when they are sad. She is tired in the same way that he is. She is tired of having the same fight they'd been having since the first time they'd broken up. She is tired of being disappointed. And most of all, she is tired of love not being enough anymore.

She turns around and walks away from him. This time, he doesn't follow.


	2. Unrequited

**A/N - Here's another chapter for you guys! Thanks to everyone who reviewed, it means a lot. **

* * *

Lucas Scott hates unrequited love affairs. They are absolutely rotten in his opinion. He is a sucker for epic romance; he loves to read about it. From Fitzgerald's Daisy and Gatsby to Austen's Jane and Mr. Bingley, he could appreciate the struggle of loving someone you could not be with, whatever the circumstances. But he _hates _unrequited love in his own life.

He guesses that Peyton's love for him is unrequited, in a sense. They've never been together, not technically. They've never wanted to be together at the same time, except for a brief moment last year and it all ended in the worst way possible. It had been tragic, but not beautifully tragic. No, this type of unrequited love was not beautiful, it was troubling. There was a time when Lucas thought that he would always have feelings for Peyton. Surely the length of his pathetic crush, flourishing in the seventh grade until it was finally returned in the eleventh, was enough evidence. Everything about her was troubling, he couldn't exactly help himself. He blames his good guy complex.

Peyton Sawyer certainly seemed like the right type of mess. Daddy issues, just like him, with a missing mother and a permanently fixed scowl just begging to be turned into a smile by one hard-working boy. How could he not be fixated upon her? With endless legs and that wild blonde hair, and her quiet reservation that set her apart from everyone she hung out with.

Brooke Davis certainly seemed like the wrong type of mess. She didn't just have daddy issues, she had issues galore. But she sure knew how to sweep them under the rug. She seduced everyone from boys to men and everything in between. She'd put her lips to their ears and whisper things that would make their eyes roll back in their heads and their toes curl and then she would rock their world for a night, maybe even two if they were lucky.

But there was one grand difference between them, and Lucas did not realize it's entire scope until he found himself moving to Charleston halfway through his junior year in high school. Once he'd realized it, he'd sat himself down and a wrote a letter and then addressed this letter to his right mess and his wrong mess and hoped that they would understand that he saw things clearly now.

He's dialing her number before he really knows what he's going to say, but he isn't much of a planner when it came to these things anyway. "Can you meet me?"

He can't deny that he's surprised when she agrees quickly. He thought there would be at least a little begging on his part involved. He finds himself at the Rivercourt without really remembering how he'd gotten there. It was 7 AM on a Monday morning; they had an hour before school started.

She'd beaten him there. She was in his favorite dress, the little white one that cinched in at her tiny waist and then flared out, with the pretty sweetheart neckline. It was a sign of the start of Spring, as was the sunshine that was nearly blinding him.

"That dress, of all dresses?" He asks once he's standing before her. He swears that he almost sees a smile, almost.

"I thought you said you liked this dress." Everything about her tone lets him know that she had definitely worn it on purpose.

"You know it's my favorite." He says, smiling. He tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear. He tries not to be offended when she flinches slightly at his touch.

"What's going on? I've barely seen you in school this past week. You been avoiding me?" She asks him.

He shrugs. "Yeah, maybe a little."

Brooke Davis frowns up at him. "Luke, I know it was rough after the game last weekend, but I never said I didn't want to be friends anymore."

"I never said that either. I'll always be your friend, Brooke." He says, his smile growing.

"Stop smiling like that." She says petulantly, swatting at his arm.

"Like what?"

"Like you're in on some secret and I'm not." She crosses her arms and stands up straight at her full height, which does not do much as she stands next to him at his full height. It only makes him chuckle.

"I just want to walk to school together." He says simply. He can tell that this is not something she was expecting.

"You called and asked me to meet you at seven in the morning so we can walk to school together?" She doesn't sound angry, or even annoyed. She just sounds confused.

"No, I called and asked you to meet me at seven in the morning in the hopes that along the way to meeting you I'd think of something remotely decent to say to you about how right you were. But you're standing here in my favorite dress with the sun reflecting off you so that you're practically glowing and it makes me nervous." He admits. She looks slightly taken aback but her cheeks flush at the compliment. She takes in what he's said and then the color drains from her face. It becomes passive, almost business-like.

"Right about you and Peyton?" She asks. He's not sure if she'd intended to whisper it, but her words are so low that he almost misses them.

He shakes his head, draws her into a tight hug. She is stiff in his arms but he still holds on as if he is holding on for dear life.

"_Lucas, I am not pushing you away, I am holding on for dear life."_

"You were right about a lot of things, but you were wrong about that." He says into her hair. He knows she is relieved despite whether or not she believes him deep down because her body relaxes into his and her arms wrap around his waist.

She doesn't move for a little while, but eventually breaks the silence and when she does she sounds so scared that it pierces him to his core and he hates himself for breaking her yet again. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah." Is all he says.

* * *

They had walked to school in silence. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence. It was the type of silence where you were lost in your own thoughts but you also knew the other person was lost in their own thoughts too, so it was okay. They get a few double takes on their way into school, even a whisper or two. The disappearance of the Head Cheerleader and co-captain of the basketball team from the post-championship celebrations had certainly caused a buzz. Rumors of the two reuniting had quickly been dispelled when the two did not interact all week, but were clearly revving back up at the sight of them today. Lucas rolls his eyes; if only they knew the truth.

They reach his locker first, where Nathan and Haley are chatting animatedly against their own lockers. Haley has her back to them but turns around when she sees Nathan's surprised expression aimed at the two people standing behind her. Lucas greets the couple as he opens his locker door.

"Lucas and—and Brooke. Can't say I haven't missed seeing this." She says grinning. She opens her mouth to say something else but doesn't get to it as the words of passing students reach their ears.

"Told you she'd take him back. She took him back after the last time that he picked Peyton. Lack of self-respect, much?" The two girls walking past them shoot them quick glances before rushing into a nearby classroom.

Brooke's expression has gone from thoughtful to that same passive, blank look she'd had earlier that morning when she'd awaited his answer about him and Peyton. She walks away without a word to any of them.

He calls out to her but it's too late, she's already lost in the crowd. Lucas slams his locker door shut with a booming crash that causes voices in the hallway to hush and heads to turn in his direction. He leans his forehead against the cool metal, hoping it'll stop him from feeling as hot as he does now.

"Are you guys back together?" Nathan asks after a moment has passed.

Lucas lifts his head off of his locker, and then shakes it. "No, we're not. Everything's so complicated. I don't where my head's at, I don't know much of anything right now. But I do know that that girl means the world to me and I don't stand a chance of keeping her in my life if everyone has it in their heads that I'm supposed to be with Peyton." He knows he's speaking loudly, he knows everyone can hear him but he doesn't care anymore. He doesn't care about anyone except Brooke right now.

"I hate to say it Luke, but everyone can think what they want. It's what Brooke thinks that actually matters. And she thinks you're supposed to be with Peyton whether everyone else does or not." Haley says before reaching over and giving his arm a light squeeze. She smiles up at him, but it's a sad smile and he does not like it. She kisses Nathan goodbye and heads for class leaving Nathan to look like a deer caught in headlights.

"What? You agree with her?" Lucas practically barks at him.

Nathan throws his arms up in the air in an 'I surrender' type of gesture. "Unrequited love is hard to compete with man, you can't blame Brooke for giving up."

Lucas Scott hates unrequited love affairs.


	3. Backslide

**A/N- Things to remember while reading: there is no Nathan/Brooke sex tape, never happened as far as my story is concerned so that big fight between Brooke and Peyton never happened. Personally, I think the writers did that to give Peyton equal footing against Brooke. Also, Psycho Derek does not return. Other than that, happy reading and thank you for the reviews!**

* * *

She comes to him at two in the morning, slinking in quietly through his bedroom door. The clicking of the door closing slowly wakes him up and makes him both terrified that his mother is asleep in the room next door and grateful that his room has its own private door to the outside. She crawls in under the covers beside him and his arms wrap instinctively around her, pulling her close. She burrows into his chest, tucking her head into the crook of his neck. He does not want to puncture this moment with anything stupid that he might say, for he was the king of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, so he just kisses her forehead and stays quiet. He doesn't need to know why she's here because she's here and that's what matters.

"I'm sorry for waking you up." She whispers. Her warm breath tickles his neck.

"I'm not complaining." He whispers back.

"I'm scared, Lucas." She says. He wants to tell her she is the bravest person he knows but bites his tongue because he has to admit that everyone is allowed to be scared sometimes and though she may seem otherworldly sometimes, she is human. And he loves seeing her vulnerable, as he'd once told her long ago.

"What are you scared of, pretty girl?" He asks her, reaching for her hand under the covers.

"What if this is how things are going to be from now on? What if things don't work out?" She doesn't have to explain for him to understand. It had been two months since the Ravens won the state championship, which meant that graduation was a month away. In those two months Brooke Davis had changed quite a bit. There wasn't anything different in her routine. She went to school, went to practice, and went home. It was all very monotonous. That in itself was a change, the fact that she had a set routine and never did anything to break it up anymore. But the real changes could only be seen in watching her carefully.

She didn't stop in the hallway to chat between classes. She rarely spoke to anyone other than Haley. There was a quiet sorrow about her. There was no permanent frown; no silent loathing like there had been with Peyton over the last two months. There was an emptiness that hadn't been there before. No one whispered about her anymore because she gave them nothing to whisper about. The sparkle and the shimmer that had made her who she was had seemingly disappeared.

He'd tried talking to her once; it had taken him two weeks to work up the nerve. He'd stopped by her locker and asked her about her day. She didn't even look at him as she answered 'Fine' and walked away. She hadn't come as off as angry, just blank. Blank was the last word he'd ever expected to associate with Brooke Davis. After that day it became increasingly difficult to reach out to her. It seemed as if they parted ways and it had become difficult to not only talk to her but to even talk about her. He didn't ask Haley about her and Haley seemed to know not to bring her up.

He and Peyton are still friends, but it's not the same. There is a bitter taste in his mouth every time he speaks to her and he goes silent any time he is with Peyton and Brooke walks past them. He doesn't blame Peyton, per se. But there is a soft anger underneath everything that he can't help but feel. He doesn't let it show because he knows she cannot help the way she had felt, but he also cannot help but wish she'd kept her feelings to herself. She's having a rough time in dealing with missing her brother and missing both her moms and it feels familiar to be there to save her, so that's what he does. He stays by Peyton.

The day that he hears that Chase Adams asked to Brooke to the prom and she'd said yes is the day he is brought to reality. She was not quietly pining over him and waiting to see if he'd run to Peyton if she stayed away, she was quietly moving on with her life. She was taking time to herself to be okay and then she moved on.

The day he hears that Chase Adams asked Brooke out on a real date and she said yes he goes home and repaints his bedroom door red. He hopes that she sees it whenever she drives by on her way home.

He moves back a little so he can get a good look at her. It's dark, but his eyes have adjusted and he can see her pretty well. She looks a little embarrassed, which is a nice change from the usual muted, passive expression she'd been wearing over the last couple of months. She smiles a little and tilts her head up. His heart skips a beat as she brings her lips to his cheek. It's not even a full kiss; just a brush of her mouth against his cheek but it immediately awakens a feeling that seems old and ancient at this point.

"I think you're going to be alright. I think you'll leave here and go on to do big things. The world is going to fall in love with you, Brooke Davis." He says tapping the end of her cute, little nose with his fingertip. She scrunches her nose up in that adorable way that garnered her the nickname Tigger back in elementary school.

"Thank you." She whispers, and for the first time in months she's not only smiling with her mouth but also with her eyes. "But I'm not as together as you may think. I haven't even bought a dress for prom yet." She adds.

"Why not?" He does his best not to ask about Chase.

Her face goes sour, dark. And then, just suddenly as her expression changed it changed again and she looks sad. Her eyes are shining, glazed over with fresh tears that are seconds away from falling. "Peyton and I promised each other when we were nine that we'd go dress shopping together. I haven't been able to bring myself to go without her."

He thinks that this is probably not the time to mention that Peyton had told him earlier that day that she'd bought her prom dress a few days ago. He knew at the time that she was dropping a major hint that she wanted him to ask her. He also thinks this is probably not the time to mention that he had been in fact considering asking her.

As if she'd read his mind, she says, "It's okay if you go to prom with Peyton. I know neither of you have dates and it's in a week so the pickings are slim anyway. You should ask her. No one should go alone if they don't have to."

He doesn't know what to say so he just nods his head in agreement. She moves closer to him, her body pressing entirely against his own now. He takes a deep breath, wishing that he could willfully turn off every nerve in his body. She's watching his face carefully, clearly looking for something in his eyes. She bites down on her bottom lip, a nervous habit that he'd always found so endearing. Whatever she'd been looking for, he guesses that she's found it because this time when she tilts her head back she lets her mouth brush against his mouth instead of his cheek.

"Brooke, I don't want you to do anything you'll regret." He says, even though he really, _really _hopes that she stays the night.

"Lucas, I don't want you to talk for the next couple of hours unless it's to say my name in my ear." It is all she has to say before he's got both their clothes off. He's kissing her like he hasn't seen her in years and they're moving in perfect harmony. She feels amazing and he swears that this is what it's really supposed to be like when two people want to be together. She bites and he pulls, she quietly laughs that low, raspy laugh of hers and her fingers grab at his hair while his can't seem to stop moving. His toes curl as she pulls him closer, begs him to go faster. He does as she asks; he'd give her anything and everything that she asked for. She's practically purring in his ear with delight and a feeling of euphoria washes over them both.

They fall asleep facing each other. She leaves as silently and as suddenly as she came.

* * *

He asks Peyton to prom and he's pretty sure that she's never looked so elated. He makes a joke about how he didn't think that Peyton Sawyer of all people would be so into going to the prom. She rolls her eyes in response but he knows that she's secretly thrilled that he'd asked. This thought just makes him sad. She's thrilled for all the wrong reasons and he asked her for all the wrong reasons.

He doesn't tell her that he'd had sex with Brooke a few days ago. He'd woken up to a bed without Brooke in it and a note next to him.

_Thank you._

A measly two words are all that she leaves him with and he's left uncertain of how she'll be when he sees her at school. She looks a little brighter, there's more of a spring in her step. She waves hello to him as she passes him by at his locker but walks past him without stopping. He takes it as a personal victory.

Peyton looks beautiful when he picks her up before the prom. She mentions that its not the dress she'd wanted. He tells her it looks lovely on her, she looks great in white.

"I was sort of hoping for a red dress but I saw Brooke leave the store with a red one so I figured I'd pick something else." He senses an awkward shift in conversation but before he can change the subject she says, "I really miss her."

"Me too." It slips out before he can stop it, but she doesn't look sad. She nods her head in understanding and then heads for the car.

It's pretty packed when they arrive but he still manages to spot her seconds after entering the room. She's standing off to the side with Chase, not looking terribly excited but happy nonetheless. Chase on the other hand is looking at her like he's won the lottery. Lucas is annoyed because he's sure Chase doesn't realize that he's won something way better.

She looks up at that exact moment but does not look at him. He follows her gaze to see that she is looking at Peyton, who looks nervous, but is not breaking eye contact. Brooke turns to say something to Chase before she makes her way over to the two of them.

"You look beautiful, Pey." She says, almost shyly.

"Look who's talking." Says Peyton, eying Brooke's dress. Lucas cannot disagree. Red is most definitely Brooke's color and this dress is no exception. She is stunning and he is reminded, and painfully so, that it really sucks that she is not his date tonight. She excuses herself saying she needs to get back to her date.

"You ever going to talk to her about how you feel?" Lucas asks Peyton once Brooke is out of earshot.

"I think the time has passed for that." She says sadly.

The day Peyton finally does talk to Brooke about how she feels certainly comes as a surprise. They are halfway into summer when they spot Brooke sitting on the beach by herself. She hears them coming and looks up, her expression changing from peaceful to all knowing.

"Beautiful night for a romantic walk on the beach, I see." She is teasing, but there is a little bite to her words.

"I actually asked him to go for a walk so we could talk about you. But here you are." Peyton says before Lucas can get a word in.

"Here I am." Brooke repeats before turning back to look at the waves. The tide is high and the waves are crashing louder than usual that night.

"So how about that romantic walk on the beach?" Peyton asks, only she's talking to Brooke and not to Lucas. Brooke stands up wordlessly and the two walk off leaving him to sit exactly where Brooke had been sitting before. He knows that things have permanently changed between them and those changes cannot be undone in one walk on the beach. But he hopes that this walk leads to others.

Things are not exactly back to normal after this point. Peyton tells him that Brooke told her she'd never gone on a second date with Chase. She also tells him that Brooke said that she'd buried the hatchet between them the day of the state championship.

"She says she's forgiven everyone."

Lucas only then understands that forgiving does not mean forgetting and that Brooke will never forget what has happened this year. Peyton will never forget that Brooke ended their friendship in the midst of one of the roughest times in her life. Brooke would never forget how much betrayal stings. Lucas would never forget either of them.

The next time he sees her after that night on the beach is a cool summer's night that came after a particularly scorching hot summer's day. This time it is six in the evening, not two in the morning and she knocks instead of just coming in. She hands him a piece of paper with an address on it.

"I hope you'll write me from college. I hope you'll write me wherever you are, whenever you can." She says without coming inside.

He looks at the address for a moment. Then he looks at her. She's got her mouth slightly open as if there's more she'd like to say. She closes it and smiles, her dimples deepening slightly. He sees the ghost of a party girl in her eyes, knows instantly that she is excited to be leaving Tree Hill, she is ecstatic at starting a new adventure. He remembers a little firecracker of a girl who had enticed him and changed his life entirely. She'd lit up his life and made everything seem rosy and lovely. She'd taught him that love hurts and losing love hurts even more than that and she'd taught him that sometimes you couldn't wrap everything up nicely and neatly. He glances at the address quickly again. He thinks about writing her.

"_There are eighty-two letters in here, and they're all addressed to you."_


	4. Tequila Shots

**A/N - Sorry for the wait! This is a longer chapter, so I hope that makes up for it. It moves through time quicker than the last three, but it'll slow down after this point. Keep in mind that because Lucas chose not to pursue Peyton senior year in my fic, she is no longer the focus of his book. ;)**

* * *

It is a Tuesday when Peyton asks him out on a date. He is completely caught off guard. After a year away from Tree Hill, and from each other, Lucas had assumed that her feelings were long gone. He's left only to stare blankly at her, much like he had a year and half prior to this point.

"_I love you."_

"_Oh."_

He knows he didn't handle that particular night very well. She'd looked devastated but he couldn't say it back for as she said those words he could not help but think of the last person that he'd said them to. As Peyton looked at him, waiting for his response with a fleeting look of hope on her pretty face, he froze. And he thought of someone else.

So is the case as she sits in front of him in his mom's café, waiting for him to say yes or no to going on a real date tonight. She bites down on her bottom lip, which irritates him because its Brooke that does that a lot and he doesn't like it when Peyton does things that remind him of Brooke.

"Peyton, I don't really know how that would work. We don't live in the same town anymore—" He begins but stops when she rolls her eyes.

"Cut the crap, Lucas." She sighs, shaking her head. "Call me crazy, I had to ask. We're home for the summer, I don't know, I had to try. And, you know—" Now she's the one who stops talking. But she hasn't stopped because of his expression. She seems to have stopped right before saying something crucial.

"What?" He asks, raising an eyebrow.

"Forget it." She mumbles looking down at her coffee. He doesn't say anything, knowing that his silence will be enough to get her to fess up. She glances back up at him and smiles weakly. "I was going to say that Brooke won't be coming home this summer. I thought it might be a sore spot."

Hearing her name is like a punch to the gut. Over the course of his first year in college he'd managed to avoid the subject of Brooke any time he'd spoken to someone. Somehow, they all knew not to bring her up. He doesn't know how to talk about her anymore.

"You guys keep in contact?" He asks after a few seconds of silence.

Peyton nods her head, her smile growing for a split second. "We call each other once a week. We email too." She pauses as if she is considering her next words carefully. "She asks about you."

Lucas smiles but does not say anything. Instead, he tells Peyton that he wants to be just friends.

The day that Peyton asks Lucas out is the day that he sits down to write his first letter to Brooke. He writes only one sentence.

_It's a boring world without you around._

_-Lucas_

He doesn't hear back from her for two weeks. When he sees his name on the front of the envelope in her neat, loopy handwriting his heart immediately quickens. He has not spoken to her since the day that she stood on his doorstep with her address on a piece of paper asking him not to disappear completely.

_Excitement comes in all forms, Luke. _

_All the best,_

_-Brooke_

He is tempted to write back and tell her that he prefers his excitement in the form of her but he holds off. He can't say that he's had a bad year. He'd written quite a bit. He'd gone on a few first dates and zero second dates. Every time, he would think that this was it, this was the girl that would get a second date; then she would do something like scrunch her nose or bite her bottom lip and that would be it.

He's not hung up on her, not exactly. But he can't seem to explain why he can't bring himself to talk about her. He can't explain why he can't write her back. He can't explain the quiet longing that sits below the surface, soft and silent but ever present. He'd loved her with a fierceness that wasn't blinding, but rather eye-opening. He doesn't know where to go after something like that.

He spends the summer finishing his book. He hangs out with Nathan, Haley, and Peyton almost daily. He and Peyton babysit Jamie together a lot, but her mind is often elsewhere on these days. He gets the feeling that she prefers playing house with another boy, one whom she'd said goodbye to a long time ago. He wonders if Peyton misses Jake Jagelski as much as he misses Brooke. He wonders if this should make him feel jealous.

Instead, he feels tired.

* * *

The day he gets a call saying his book is going to be published is the first time he gets genuinely excited in years. He is celebrating his twenty-first birthday as typically as he possibly can, at a bar in New York City. He is well on his way to being drunk, all of his old friends had come up for the weekend and they are surrounding him when he gets the call. The publisher wants to go into editing immediately so the book could be in print within a couple of months. He hangs up the phone, about to announce to his friends that he was about to become a published author.

Instead, he pretends his mother had called to say happy birthday.

He can't explain why he decides not tell them. He could have at least pulled Nathan and Haley aside from everyone else and told them privately. He could have called his mother and shared the news. But something is nagging at him and he doesn't know what it is but it's stopping him from telling anyone. It's his dream come true and he keeps it a secret.

"_This is a dream come true."_

Everyone makes it to the bar for his birthday. Everyone except two people. He'd called Peyton and left her a message about the time and place. When the time had come to decide whether or not he would call Brooke he'd decided to write her back for the first time in two years.

_It's the big 21. Please say you can make it._

_-Lucas_

He'd scrawled the time and address at the bottom. He knows it's not fair of him to expect her to come. She'd written him a few times, even called. He always let it go to voicemail. He just doesn't know how to talk to her anymore.

He is about to take on his sixth beer of the night when he notices the door of the bar swing open. They walk in arm and arm, already laughing. He isn't sure what he feels. He hasn't seen them together since that night on the beach when they'd walked off together to talk. He certainly hasn't them giggling and arm in arm since the beginning of their senior year in high school.

It's the first time he's seen Peyton in a year in a half. She doesn't look much different, albeit a little happier than she had the last time he'd seen her. She looks lighter, less sullen. She waves from across the room when she spots him.

It's the first time he's seen Brooke in three years. Her hair is shorter, stopping just at her collarbone. She looks older than twenty-one, but in a good way. Her eyes meet his as she walks up to him and before she can so much as say 'happy birthday' he grabs her hand and pulls her aside.

"They're publishing my book. Brooke, I'm going to be published, it's like a dream come true." He says. She looks startled at first but only for a second. Her eyes light up, her hand flies to her mouth.

"Oh my goodness, Lucas!" She says before throwing her arms around him. It is the first time they are hugging in forever and it feels immensely wonderful. It feels familiar in the best way possible. She still fits perfectly in his arms, her head nestles into the crook of his neck, his cheek presses lightly against the top of her head. It feels like they are holding each other for hours before he can feel her squirm a little. He lets her go, laughing sheepishly.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to just drop that on you. I just got the call and it didn't feel right telling anyone until I saw you." He admits. Her smile falters a little, as if this isn't something that she wants to hear. But she recovers quickly, which does not surprise him in the slightest.

"Well, now we have two reasons to celebrate tonight, birthday boy." She says with a wink. She takes his hand, pulls him over to the bar. "Two shots of your most expensive tequila please!" She says to the bartender.

Hugs are given all around once everyone realizes that Brooke and Peyton have arrived. The bartender sets the two shots in front of Brooke. She pushes them both towards Lucas.

"I thought one was going to be for you." He says, raising an eyebrow.

She smirks, and it quickly turns into a very smug, very familiar smile. Suddenly, they are sixteen years old again and she's handing him a beer over a pool table in a smoky dive bar. His eyes wander to the spot where he knows she has a tattoo of an ancient Chinese symbol to match the one that is on his shoulder. His roaming eyes don't slip past her notice; when he locks eyes with her she's got one eyebrow raised slightly in curiosity. She reaches over and picks up one of the shot glasses.

"Cheers." She says before they each down their shot. It tastes awful but goes down smoothly. The alcohol burns beautifully, leaves his chest extremely warm. She orders them another two shots each, which they quickly down.

He doesn't remember much else after this. Somehow he is in his pajamas, lying in bed. He could have sworn that he'd been at the bar only five minutes ago. The time on his alarm clock tells him that it is ten in the morning. When he tries to sit up it feels like the world starts to spin faster so he grabs the trashcan that for some reason is conveniently by his bedside. He hears footsteps as he finishes throwing up. He looks up and is instantly embarrassed.

"I guess I should apologize. I didn't know you'd been drinking quite a bit before I had you take five tequila shots." She says sheepishly, sitting down slowly. His head feels like it weighs eighty pounds.

"I could have sworn I only had three." He says groggily. She chuckles, shaking her head. "Did you stay the night?"

"Nathan and Haley wanted to bring you back to their hotel room to take care of you but I said that you'd want to wake up in your own bed and that I'd stay with you." She shrugs as if to say that it's no big deal. He reaches over slowly and takes her hand in both of his. He is pleased when she doesn't stiffen or pull away.

"Thank you for being so phenomenal when I am a complete mess." He says, squeezing her hand gently. She smiles sweetly and, mercifully, it touches her eyes. It feels as if time has stopped and that they are the only two people left in the world. There is a calm stillness, a quiet peace that he cannot quite explain. The chaos that has been brewing inside of him for more than three years now is at ease.

She opens her mouth to say something but closes it abruptly, as if she'd second-guessed herself. Instead, she says, "So you're going to be published."

He laughs, despite his throbbing head. "I guess I am. I just hope my editor doesn't rip it apart. She says she's only skimmed it, but she's got lots of notes for me." He rolls his eyes, thinking of his editor Lindsey, the pretty blonde with the sharp tongue and an extraordinary tendency to disregard his feelings as an author.

Now it's Brooke who gives his hand a gentle squeeze. "I'm sure it'll stay true to what you wanted. I can't wait to read it." She says. At this last part, his heartbeat quickens. He's nervous for her to read it, especially the parts about her. This book was his most honest piece of work, he'd hidden nothing.

She gives him some painkillers for his headache and he quickly falls asleep. When he wakes up a few hours later he finds that yet again she's dropped out of his life as quickly as she'd dropped in.

* * *

He knows by his third date with Lindsey that he is in for something potentially serious. If he is being honest, he has to admit he's kind of known that for a while now. Late nights in Lindsey's office reworking his book proved that they are a force to be reckoned with. She's witty and sharp and knows and understands literature in ways he could only dream of. She's quick to figure out his intentions in every chapter, every line of his work. He is enthralled by her.

"So, I've never really asked you this because I was trying to think of all your characters as fictional, but _Ravens _is based on your last two years in high school, right?" Lindsey asks him over dinner one night. They'd gotten together, just the two of them, to celebrate the release of his book in the coming morning.

"Right. But you knew that already." He says, his curiosity peaked. After months of editing, what questions could she still possibly have about his book?

She takes a sip of her wine, her sparkling blue eyes watching him carefully. "So whatever happened with those girls? Whatever happened with Brooke and Peyton? Your book ends with your first day of college."

Her question catches him off-guard. He figures that he should get used to answering it though, it is sure to be the question anyone who reads his book will ask him. He takes a deep breath, not knowing where to start.

"I stayed close friends with Peyton after high school ended. A year after graduation she asked me out." He pauses because he says Lindsey's expression, sees the gears turning and knows there is a question forming in her inquisitive mind.

"You said no. But you thought about saying yes." She guesses with a smile.

He laughs, nodding his head. "I could have said yes. I could have fallen in love with her and we would probably still be together now and I wouldn't be sitting here with you. But too much had happened since the last time we'd been together, things I couldn't overlook."

"Things like Brooke?" Lindsey asks.

He shrugs. "Amongst other things. Peyton and I catch up from time to time. I haven't seen in her six months, since my twenty-first birthday."

"Does it hurt, when you see her?" Lindsey pushes.

His answer comes to him surprisingly quickly. "Yes. There is something between us, something almost foul. Everything that happened senior year tainted our friendship. It makes me sad. It's always going to be hard seeing her." He thinks about the summer they'd spent babysitting Jamie for Nathan and Haley, thinks about the distant, cloudy look she'd get in her eyes. She'd wanted it to be Lucas, wanted him to be the one so badly. But that summer she'd been longing to be with someone else.

"What about Brooke?" Lindsey's loaded question brings him out his own thoughts.

"Brooke Davis is, and always will be, very special to me." He says, smiling.

"Do you still talk?" This question comes out terser than the others and he knows that she is asking him as his girlfriend and not his editor. She is jealous.

He opens his mouth to tell her that he and Brooke talk on the phone everyday and have done so since his birthday six months ago but something stops him. He decides that he doesn't have to be _that _specific with his answer. "Yeah, we're still friends. She and Peyton are very close now."

"You wrote her so beautifully. It feels weird saying this because she's a real person, but she is my favorite character in your book." Lindsey says.

Lucas smiles but does not say anything. She is his favorite too.


	5. Homecoming

**A/N - I like this one. The next chapter is almost entirely BL, so get ready.**

The book tour takes him cross-country. It's a world-wind experience and he loves a lot of it. It's surreal to hear people tell him that they loved his book. He gets emails and letters telling him how much his readers could relate to him and his friends as they faced their final years as kids. He would have been satisfied to meet _one _person who was deeply affected by his writing, but he met them by the _thousands. _Surprisingly, it was a humbling experience.

They decide to start in New York and go west, and then back to the southeast, sort of like in a circle. Their last stop would be Tree Hill, which is exactly where Lucas wanted to end up. Their next to last stop is in Savannah. On this day, after hours of signing books and taking pictures, he spots someone he hasn't seen in a long time.

Jake Jagelski looks both different and the same. He has lost weight since high school, packing on more lean muscle. He's got the same old haircut, though it is slightly shorter than he used to keep it. He looks noticeably older, like the twenty-one year old that he is. But that is where the changes stop. He's got the same kindness in his eyes, the same good-natured look he's always worn. He walks up to Lucas holding a copy of _Ravens._

"You were incredibly generous with my character." Jake says, looking like he is seconds away from laughing. Lucas stands up and walks around the table to give his old friend a hug.

"I wrote 'em as I saw 'em, man." He says. He takes Jake's book and signs it.

_To one of the greatest people I've ever known with the best jump shot I've ever seen. Say hey to Jenny for me._

Jake laughs as he reads what Lucas has written in the inside cover of his book. He shakes his head, tapping his index finger lightly against the binding of the book. They make small talk for a few minutes before Lucas' curiosity gets the better of him.

"What'd you think of the book, in all honesty?" He asks Jake. The bookstore has cleared out, it is almost closing time. Only a few people browsing the shelves and Lucas' PR team remain. Jake takes a minute before he answers, flipping through some pages casually. A nervous anticipation builds inside Lucas as he waits wordlessly.

"You've got a way with words Luke, I'll give you that. I noticed that you dedicated the book to the team." Jake grins as he looks at the dedication page. Then he glances back up at Lucas. "I think you should have dedicated it to Brooke though. It is a book about her after all."

Lucas' brow furrows in confusion. "It's about all of us. It's about me and all the growing up I did—"

"It's about Brooke, man." Jake says shaking his head. He laughs softly, flipping through more pages. "Look, I know it's all about growing up. I know it's about how it feels when adulthood is breathing down your neck. I know it's about the team and about family. But this book, Luke, this book is a love letter to Brooke."

Lucas doesn't know what to say so he sits down instead. He picks up a copy of the book from the unsigned stack next to him. He doesn't open it; it looks like a whole new book to him.

"Resilience made her special. Compassion made her endearing. Bravery made her admirable. She was fiercely independent, Brooke Davis. Bold, and beautiful, and brave. Brooke Davis is going to change the world some day and she doesn't even know it. She was heartbreaking in every possible way. To be with her was a gift and to be without her was always a punishment. For a long time, Brooke made everything rosy and sweet and exciting. For a long time, I was in love with her in ways only teenagers can be in love, brazenly and unabashedly and most of all _honestly_. But I have never deserved her." Jake stops reading out loud and closes the book.

Lucas raises an eyebrow. "I wrote things like that about everyone." It is a weak defense, maybe even a laughable one.

"No, you wrote great things about everyone, but nothing like this. Every line that isn't about someone else in your life is about Brooke. Remember this," Jake flips quite a few pages ahead and begins to read, "The last half of my senior year is spent mostly with Peyton, Nathan, and Haley, and the beginnings of this book. There is a missing presence that we are all aware of, but no one says anything about it. She lingers everywhere, whether we see it with our eyes or not. Her perfume seems to always permeate my sheets even though my mom has washed them weekly since the last time she's slept in my bed. Her doodles are all over the front cover of Haley's notebook. Her name is scrawled on the inside of Nathan's locker, where she'd put it after she'd pranked him one April Fool's. He says he's been meaning to paint over it but I know he won't. Peyton wears her loss in her posture and in her eyes. It feels like an understatement to say there is a hole in my heart where she used to be. It's not a hole, it's a cavern."

"Yes, I remember." Lucas says quietly, leaning forward against his knees.

"Does your girlfriend know?" Jake asks, his eyes darting over to look at Lindsay briefly. She is at the other end of the room, on her phone.

Lucas shakes his head.

Jake manages a sad smile. "I doubt that she can't tell. Anyone who reads this is going to know."

Lucas is quiet for several more moments. He takes the book out of Jake's hands and writes something else under his signature, then hands the book back to Jake who looks bewildered once he reads it.

"Is this your number?" He asks him.

"No, it's Peyton's. Give her a call sometime."

* * *

"_Anyone who reads this is going to know."_

Jake's words haunt him on the train ride to Tree Hill. He mulls them over again and again as Lindsay snores lightly, asleep on his shoulder. _Anyone who reads this is going to know. _He's had several conversations with Brooke since the publication of his book. _Anyone who reads this is going to know. _She'd finished his book in a week and they talked about it at length once she'd finished it. _Anyone who reads this is going to know. _She'd said that his writing was beautiful and that she was flattered to be thought of so highly. But she'd never let on that she thought anything more of it. _But this book, Luke, this book is a love letter to Brooke. _He knows it is. He'd written a book about his most important experiences in high school, he's not surprised that his love for her made its way into his book. _This book is a love letter to Brooke. _It would not have been honest if hadn't.

The welcome home party that Nathan and Haley throw for him at their house is filled with more love and laughter than he's experienced during all of his years in New York. He feels lighter than he has in a long time. He finds himself alone on the back porch when Haley steps up beside him.

"Lindsay is very impressive." She says with a knowing smile. "Just the type of girl I'd always pictured you with."

Lucas smiles, slinging an arm around his best friend's shoulders. "I feel a 'but' coming on." He says, sighing.

Haley shakes her head. "No, not really." She pauses briefly, and then laughs. "I read your book and had to remind myself that you wrote it senior year while you were still in love with Brooke."

"Ah, there it is."

"No, Lucas, listen. Lindsay is not Brooke. But that is okay." Says Haley, giving him a small smile.

Lindsay is most definitely not Brooke. She is chaste and brash and too smart for her own good. But she lacks everything that makes Brooke who she is. There is no charm, no sexy double meanings when Lindsay talks. There is no sparkle. There are no pretty white sundresses or long walks in the summer heat. There is no scorching electricity, no scrunching of her cute little nose or raspy, quiet laugh. Lindsay's laugh is loud. Maybe that's why he likes her so much. Maybe he likes that she is not Brooke.

Lucas lets his arm drop off of Haley's shoulders and fall back down to his side. His shoulders sink and he slumps forward against the railing of the back porch. He doesn't say anything and Haley does not push him to. She waits quietly and patiently for several minutes before he can finally muster up the words he's trying to say.

"The book was dedicated to Brooke. Everyone on the publishing team made me change it." He says.

He tells Haley about all the arguments with Lindsay, arguments they'd had even before they'd started dating. He'd tell her that he'd only started writing the book to mend his broken heart over Brooke so it only felt right to dedicate it to her, that it was nothing else. Lindsay would just get frustrated and remind him that the publishers thought it would dictate to clearly which girl he'd loved more in high school, that it would turn readers who might prefer him with Peyton off before they even read the book. He'd mumble that he didn't really care but she'd never hear that part. Eventually he gave up and dedicated the book to the team.

"At the bottom of the website for Clothes Over Bros it says 'thank you' in little letters. I asked her about it and she told me it was her way of making sure she was always giving thanks to the reason behind Clothes Over Bros." She says turning around to lean lightly against the railing.

He's not exactly sure how he feels about this new piece of information. He decides to file it away and puzzle over it later. He tells Haley about his run-in with Jake. Once he is finished talking she sighs heavily, shaking her head.

"Yeah, it's about Brooke. But it's also about a lot of other people. You wrote really honest things, and you wrote some really wonderful things. It's an ode to family and love and friendship. Brooke just happened to be all three of those things for you." She purses her lips, studying him for a moment. "She's here, you know. In the living room. She got here a few minutes after you came out here and I told her I'd go get you."

He doesn't stop to hear if Haley has anything else to say. He practically runs through the backdoor back inside. He quickly skirts past all his old friends to get to the living room. He stops when he sees her talking to Lindsay. Brooke is talking animatedly with lots of hand gestures and lots of laughing. Lindsay looks absolutely enamored. He walks up to the two of them slowly. Brooke's eyes widen slightly, it sounds almost as if her laugh has caught in her throat. She grins dimple to dimple at the sight of him. She flings her arms around him, pulling him in close. He throws caution to the wind as he buries his face in her soft, vanilla-scented hair. She feels as if she is radiating warmth.

She pulls away, still grinning. "I just had the pleasure of meeting Lindsay. You sure know how to pick 'em. She's even prettier than you said on the phone." She winks at Lindsay who smiles and blushes. "I'd say we should catch up Luke, but you don't spare any details on the phone, so I'm going to go mingle." Brooke says before darting off.

"I didn't know you two talk on the phone daily." Lindsay says curtly once Brooke is out of earshot. Only then does Lucas realize that he'd turned away from Lindsay to watch Brooke walk away. He turns again so that he's facing Lindsay now.

"Linds, we're old friends—" He starts to explain but Lindsay holds up one hand shaking her head.

"It's okay, I'm not mad." She holds his gaze, trying to read something in his eyes. After a few seconds she says, "She is something else. She's different than the girl in the book, but sort of the same." When she stops to smile at him there are tears welling up in her eyes, dangerously close to spilling over. "I wondered when I first read the early chapters in your book about Peyton if she was the girl I'd have to worry about. When I got to the end I wasn't so sure anymore. But I'm sure now."

"It's not Peyton—"

"It's Brooke." Lindsay cuts in, nodding her head. "It's always going to be Brooke, isn't it?"

They both look at Brooke, who is now talking to Skills and Nathan across the room. She is laughing again, her quiet raspy laugh that was charming and dangerous and absolutely infectious.

"_Go. Go. It's okay. Go."_

He sees her in her cheerleading uniform, the one he'd liked just maybe a little too much. She's pushing him in Peyton's direction, giving him permission to move on. He sees her retreating back as she left the gym that night, slipping out silently without anyone's notice. He remembers the way her shoulders slumped, the exhaustion in her eyes; the disappointment that being in love didn't matter as much when other things were involved.

He turns back to Lindsay and nods his head yes.


	6. Goals

**A/N - I've been rewatching season three lately and my heart breaks for Brooke. Thanks for reading guys, this is a special one.**

* * *

She finds him after the party, sitting on a bench on the back porch by himself. There is a hum in the air, a buzzing tension. She sits down beside him slowly, not once looking directly at him. The buzz grows louder until its practically ringing in his ears and even though everything around them is hushed and even though there is a stillness so deep that it envelops them both entirely, it is absolutely electric. The space between them is charged with energy, an undercurrent ready to push through. He cannot help but wonder which one of them will break the silence, which one of them would light the match that would surely send sparks flying.

"Lindsay left early." She lights the first spark.

"She wanted to catch the last train out of here back to New York." He says, running a hand through his hair nervously.

Her brows knit together in confusion. "Why would she leave? You guys are supposed to stay for a while."

"Brooke, I broke up with Lindsay."

It is so quiet after he says these words that he wonders if she has stopped breathing. He finally turns to look at her to see that she is wide-eyed, her mouth forming an 'o' of surprise. It's almost comical and he has to remind himself that now is not the time to laugh at her.

"Why on earth would you _ever—" _He does not give her the chance to finish asking her question.

"Why do you think?" he asks, tightly.

She looks down at her hands in her lap. She sighs, shaking her head. "Does she think you're in love with Peyton?"

Now it is his turn to be confused. "Peyton? What?"

Brooke opens her purse and pulls out a copy of _Ravens. _"I brought this so you'd sign it for me. But, while we're on the subject I guess I can explain what I mean." She flips through the book quickly until she finds what she is looking for and starts to read aloud. "I will never forget the first time I realized that I wanted to be with Peyton Sawyer. I could barely see her face over the top of her sketchbook. The wind was blowing her hair all over the place, not that she noticed anything that wasn't her sketchbook. Blonde ringlets everywhere, endlessly long legs sprawled out on the grass, and a look so beautifully determined as she drew, she was everything my fourteen year old heart foolishly desired."

He looks up at her as she shuts the book, a knowing look on her face. Suddenly, it is very clear to him why she seemed to be the only person who did not think that his book is about her. She thinks that it is about Peyton. He wants to tell her that she's all wrong. He wants to tell her that she needs to look past his writings about his early crush on Peyton and see all the clues, both the subtle and not so subtle, that point in her direction, not Peyton's. He wants to tell her that he and Lindsay broke up because she had one conversation with Brooke and knew instantly what he'd known since the day Brooke left for California the summer before their senior year and he'd told her that he wanted to be with her.

But he doesn't tell her.

He decides that he can't do that to her. He decides that it is not fair to make her the homewrecker. She'd spent so long wondering if she was the speed bump on the Lucas and Peyton highway, it's not fair to let her feel guilty over something else. She deserves better, she deserves _so _much better.

So he leaves, and does not tell her.

* * *

He can't say that he's not surprised when his old bedroom door opens and she tip toes in, practically silent. She sits on the edge of his bed; he can't see her properly because his eyes are still adjusting.

"Lucas, are you awake?" she whispers.

"Yes, but why are you whispering? My mom and Lilly are in New Zealand." He starts to laugh, despite himself and only laughs harder when she slaps him on the arm. It all feels so high school and so sweetly nostalgic.

"I couldn't sleep." She says once he stops laughing.

"So you decided that I wouldn't get to sleep either?" he asks smugly. She picks up a pillow and brings it down against his head, hard. "Geez, Brooke, take it easy. You used to think my sarcasm was funny, remember?"

She drops the pillow; all traces of annoyance have disappeared from her face. "Did you really try to dedicate your book to me?" She asks him.

It feels like time has stopped, like everything is frozen in its place. He can sense that this is a moment that will forever be in his memory. She is leaning towards him, body rigid and stiff, fingers wound so tightly into his blanket that her knuckles are bone white. Her mouth is slightly open, as if there are things she wants to say but cannot find a way to say them. He takes it all in. It is burned into his retina.

"I'm guessing Haley told you." Is all he says.

She nods her head slowly. "I went inside after you took off and helped her clean up. I told her that you told me about breaking up with Lindsay today and said something about being surprised that Lindsay ever went out with you in the first place when she'd known all along you wanted to dedicate your book to me."

"And?"

"I let it drop. I decided I didn't want to know. But I've changed my mind." She says. She's not whispering anymore, but her voice is still quiet. He forgets at times that even someone as brave as she is can be afraid sometimes. He remembers that she used to be afraid of him, once upon a time. He can't help but wonder now, as he looks as her face, sees the confusion and pain in her eyes, if she is still afraid of him.

"I started to write _Ravens _the day after you came to my door with your new address on a piece of paper and asked me to write you in college. I wrote it to distract myself. I wrote it so I would have a way to remember everything that made my adolescence special and meaningful. I wrote it to get closure about a lot of things, but also so that I wouldn't forget that it all made him into the man I am today. But mostly," He stops to take a nervous breath. "Mostly, I wrote it because within all our different stories, was a love story that needed to be told. And it's not my story with Peyton. Peyton just happens to be part of _our _story, the story I set out to tell. I wanted to dedicate my book to you because it wouldn't exist without you."

She looks away from, blinking back tears. She is seemingly unsuccessful because when she turns back to look at him there is already a steady stream of tears flowing. She stays quiet so he decides to plow on.

"The publishers thought it would imply a preference and since I didn't end up with anyone at the end of the book, they wanted to leave it open for readers to guess which girl I loved more. Lindsay was always a little apprehensive about all of it. She had one conversation with you and was ready to bolt." He smiles apologetically, not knowing where to go from here.

"No, no. Lucas, you've gotta call her, don't end it over—"

"Brooke, it's okay." He says, sitting up straighter and leaning toward her. He notices that she flinches slightly at their close proximity, shifting back slightly. Suddenly, she looks eighteen and terrified of him all over again. The sparkle in her eyes is gone, replaced with hurt and fear and something else he cannot quite place. It's an odd mixture of love and repulsion and it cuts right through him leaving him feeling cold and nervous. He doesn't say anything; he knows that it is her turn to speak.

"Lucas, I have spent _years _trying to erase you from my heart. I realized on your twenty-first birthday, the very second I walked into the bar and you pulled me over to tell me about your book, I realized that I would never be able to do that. And I realized that I didn't want to do that. Luke, I have spent so much time telling myself that I did the right thing walking away from you so you could be with Peyton—"

"Three days ago, while I was in Savannah, I gave Peyton's number to Jake without him asking for it. Why would I do that if I want to be with her?" He asks.

"Jake? Jake Jagelski?" She asks, brow furrowing lightly in confusion. He nods his head. She shakes hers, sighing heavily. "That doesn't prove anything. I pushed you towards Peyton at the state championship because I thought I was doing the right thing. That doesn't mean I didn't love you anymore."

"I'm the guy for you, Brooke Davis." The words tumble out of his mouth before he can stop them. They feel heavy on their way out, like each one is a weight leaving him lighter and lighter as it leaves his mouth. He waits with baited breath, having no idea what she will say.

"Yes, Lucas. You are absolutely, without a single doubt, the guy for me." She says, her lips forming a small smile that only makes her dimples deepen slightly. He feels relieved until he sees that more tears are welling up and starting to spill over.

"What is it?" He asks her, genuinely gripped with fear for the first time that night.

"You are the guy for me." She says again, the smile gone completely. "But I am not the girl for you."

He does not say a word. He gets out of bed and crosses the room to his old desk. He opens the bottom drawer and takes out the cardboard box inside. He drops it on the bed right in front of her. She opens it and starts going through the pages. As she looks through them he gets out three more boxes, dropping them all in front of her without a word.

"I don't understand." She says, stacks of papers in each hand.

"Those are all the parts of my book that they made me take out. Apparently, I was showing my preference too strongly in all those scenes. They are all about me and you." He says, looking at the box that he had initially brought it out. "The one on your left has all your old letters in it. The one to the left of that is full of pictures of you and me, and old notes that you'd written me."

"And the last one?" She practically whispers.

"Letters that I tried to send but never did, and this," He sits down next to her and all the boxes. He opens the last one and rifles through his letters until he finds the little box that he is looking for. "Every year since we were kids, Haley and I would write down our predictions and wishes for the coming school year and stick them behind a loose brick on the roof of the café. I kept making the lists by myself after we left high school. Why don't you read the ones from junior year onward." He hands her the box and she pulls out the lists from the last five years.

"Oh well, look at the list for junior year. Along with 'beat Skills in H.O.R.S.E.' and 'read all of Fitzgerald's work' is 'I will finally talk to Peyton Sawyer.'" She does not sound bitter, just frustrated. She lets the list for junior year fall to the ground. He sees her eyes widen as she scans his last four lists. "These all just say 'I will try again with Brooke.'"

He nods his head, reaching to pick up the fallen junior year list so he can put it back in its box. "Granted, it wasn't my only goal for the last four years. Going to New York, finishing my book, getting published, they were all goals. But I didn't need to write those down. These lists that Haley and I used to make, that I _still _make, they are meant to be reminders to stay grounded in who we are and who we want to be."

She looks perplexed as she stares at all the papers. She opens the box with all the pictures of them. She pulls one out that he'd cut out of their yearbook. It is a shot of the two of them talking at their senior prom.

"I thought you and Peyton looked amazing together that night. It made my heart hurt." She says, running the tip of her finger over his face in the photo.

"I thought _you _looked amazing that night. Now that made my heart hurt." He says, taking both of her hands in his.

For someone who is usually very good with words, he finds himself without any that are worthy of this moment. She is looking at him in a way that is painfully familiar. She is trying so hard not to cry, chest rising and falling with irregular, hitched breathing. She is silently begging, _pleading _that he let her all the way in. He needs her to see that he has been doing that all this time, carefully keeping all there memories boxed up and safe until the moment came that he could cross this line and get back all that he'd lost three years ago.

"Oh, Lucas." She manages to choke out, a sob escaping her against her will. "I—I didn't know. I didn't know."

He pulls her into his chest, hugging her closely. She clings to him tightly, holds on for dear life.

"_I am not pushing you away, Lucas, I am holding on for dear life!"_

He keeps one arm wrapped around her waist and one hand at the base of her neck. Her breathing calms down. She has gotten to be very good at controlling her emotions, and he realizes that it is because years of heartbreak have groomed her to be this way.

They fall asleep holding hands.


End file.
